Black & White Foe

The little F*#kers strike again! Let the dogs (mine, Sunny the cuckoo, and Chief, one of my clients who is super sweet) out the night before last. As my hands clapped one another- the usual drill to ward off any unwanted hellians in my back yard- I see the shrub next to the grill rustle.....TOO LATE! That cute little BITCH lashed out and attacked Chief, followed by Sunny with an immediate about-face- or rear- and blast-o! Sunny gets it yet again in the kisser and ole' Chief gets the residual bellow of hell wafted ever so delicately over his shiny black coat....

I was so incredibly insensed by that little black & white messenger from Satan's forum that I ran inside, grabbed my Le Creuset fry pan, my largest wooden spoon- To Koutala! Ran back out like an escapie from some crazy cooking school yelling and banging the koutala on the back of the pan- "GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE YOU MOTHERF*#K'IN BITCH FROM HELL!"....at first it ran from me and then backed up to my garage door- then attemped to charge me...ohh-ho-hooooh, did that fuel my fire- now it was war!

So, I'm weilding the frying pan and koutala screaming at the animal as if it understood every word my beligerant mouth was bellowing......"I am sick of you!".."Nobody likes you- or your stinkin' family!".."Why don't you just move outta here you little Bitch!"......I really wanted to whack it in the head and just end it- but that buzzer in the back of my brain kept going off:

"Attention Elizabeth: You're an animal rights activist, you love all animals, I repeat, you love ALL animals!" ARRRGH- damned conscience! Why couldn't I be a psycho-killer just this once?! Ah, to relish in the smashing of a little skull while in the throws of fury...I know it sounds sick, but we all have been there at one point or another- the last straw, the infinite breaking of the camel's back- where you just want to beat the living sh*t out of something while wild-eyed and frothing at the mouth......Alas, the good side once again prevailed over the evil in me. I knew that it would have been futile as there are at least a dozen more stinkers under the neighbor's porch....a losing battle for a loser threat.

Really, this animal was just trying to survive the situation, I could see the terror in it's face, it's adorable little skunk face- why do they have to be so fu#king cute?!

My neighbors (the ones without the back porch) chime in- "Elizabeth? What's going on? Did the skunk spray you?" I responded with the story up to that point. So my neighbor comes over with a long shovel, and I'm thinking, "Great! Someone else can be the assassin!"...and I can relish in victory over skunk #27's demise- even though I truly know it would eat away at my soul for years......friggin conscience!

Well, not so fast- the neighbor was all talk.....he was WAY more afraid of it than I was- actually, I wasn't the least bit afraid of the thing since I knew it already blew it's wad and couldn't recharge for at least another half hour to hour. "You know, " says the neighbor, "that these things carry rabies don't you?".....Yeah of course I know- they are in fact the #1 carrier of rabies as far as wild animals goes. All I could say in response was, "Yup, yup.".....genius.

I proceed to call 911- why? I don't really know- I was already reviewing the words in my head:

911: Hello, 911 emergency, how can we assist you?
Me: There's a wild freaking skunk in my yard and it won't leave!
911: Okaaaayyy? (As the operator whispers: Hey Bob, there's a crazy bitch on crack on the line).....how can we help?
Me: It attacked my dogs and sprayed them and now it won't leave!
911: We'll connect you to animal control, please hold.

You know, it was pretty much that conversation...and after being on hold for the "next available agent" for 10 minutes, they finally answer and take my infortion- all to no avail.

The police man came, and he was like, "I don't know how, exactly I can help you, but I'll keep the light on it for you until animal control comes". All I could think was that animal control was NOT coming.....I just knew that they would, once again, be a no show. Sure enough, some 30 minutes later, the radio on the officer's collar squawked: "Animal control will not be out until the AM".....as if they will even come then- they haven't shown for 4 years!

The sum of all this expended energy? Zilch. Just go back in the house and close the door, it will eventually leave, and animal control will eventually com- some year. Time to wash 2 dogs! By the by, the remedy for stinkin' skunked dogs is a slurry of baking soda and hydrogen peroxide- rub in to the skin, let soak 5 minutes, rinse. Repeat, only with a more paste like solution- rub in, let soak, then rinse. A good follow up is a deodorizing shampoo or Oxydex shampoo- I think available only through the vet. City in the woods, who woulda thunk it?!